the near impossible task of channeling positive energy through depressioN

i don't think i like sleeping every single night. i have more creative energy during the twilight hours.  I've fallen into a bad funk these days. Tryin' to get out of it. I was held hostage by the "too depressed to get up" funk/trap devil. Underneath my comforter on top of my memory foam mattressbed is where I lie and "hang out".  ALL DAY LONG, into the night, until the next morning, then into the sunlight hours, and again throughout the next evening then comes midnight, to twilight, all the way around the clock and back to the crack of dawn.  So on and so on, mother nature faithfully repeats this 24-hour lifecycle. It's a lovely constant phenomenon that we can always depend on.

This past thanksgiving holiday weekend, i held myself hostage attempting to OD on over-sleeping or suffer cardiac arrest from the series of creepy hallucinatory dreams that shake me to sobriety. but nothing keeps me from crawling back into bed.  I had my eyes shut 90% of the time during the first four days in bed. My mom was amazed at how much I can sleep. It is quite strange. When you're in a deep depression, boredom is never an issue. You just don't want to "exist" and take part in the world, not because you're bored. Quite the opposite - you want nothing to do and to do absolutely nothing. All you can do is hibernate in your pajamas. Not everyone gets it.  You can easily be shunned off as a lazy party girl or something. But depression is real, not a made up state of mind. It does hinder one's ability to take care of daily activities independently. Depression also has the power to drag you much further down the abyss than you had expected, which leaves you susceptible and vulnerable to experiencing inner, emotional and psychological turmoil. The deeper and faster your depression takes you down, the more fragile your soul becomes. Because there's only one direction in the world and life of depression. It takes a lot of willpower to fight it because it fcan be as poweful as gravity.

This time it lasted 6 days and 5 nights. I eventually gave in and resorted to prescription meds to help me focus quickly and get back to "life" - to get back on track to my  precious life and so much more that is waiting for me,  outside of my cozy bed and far beyond my apartment walls.

I pulled a second all nighter catching up with my "life". It's 624AM and i have not slept. nor am i tired. i've taken the medicine and learning to get used to it. Plus I have a ton of things to do. I guess I don't have to try so incredibly hard to wake up if I simply stay up, right? Yeah, maybe.


mn