the near impossible task of channeling positive energy through depressioN

the near impossible task of channeling positive energy through depressioN

i don't think i like sleeping every single night. i have more creative energy during the twilight hours.  I've fallen into a bad funk these days. Tryin' to get out of it. I was held hostage by the "too depressed to get up" funk/trap devil. Underneath my comforter on top of my memory foam mattressbed is where I lie and "hang out".  ALL DAY LONG, into the night, until the next morning, then into the sunlight hours, and again throughout the next evening then comes midnight, to twilight, all the way around the clock and back to the crack of dawn.  So on and so on, mother nature faithfully repeats this 24-hour lifecycle. It's a lovely constant phenomenon that we can always depend on.

This past thanksgiving holiday weekend, i held myself hostage attempting to OD on over-sleeping or suffer cardiac arrest from the series of creepy hallucinatory dreams that shake me to sobriety. but nothing keeps me from crawling back into bed.  I had my eyes shut 90% of the time during the first four days in bed. My mom was amazed at how much I can sleep. It is quite strange. When you're in a deep depression, boredom is never an issue. You just don't want to "exist" and take part in the world, not because you're bored. Quite the opposite - you want nothing to do and to do absolutely nothing. All you can do is hibernate in your pajamas. Not everyone gets it.  You can easily be shunned off as a lazy party girl or something. But depression is real, not a made up state of mind. It does hinder one's ability to take care of daily activities independently. Depression also has the power to drag you much further down the abyss than you had expected, which leaves you susceptible and vulnerable to experiencing inner, emotional and psychological turmoil. The deeper and faster your depression takes you down, the more fragile your soul becomes. Because there's only one direction in the world and life of depression. It takes a lot of willpower to fight it because it fcan be as poweful as gravity.

This time it lasted 6 days and 5 nights. I eventually gave in and resorted to prescription meds to help me focus quickly and get back to "life" - to get back on track to my  precious life and so much more that is waiting for me,  outside of my cozy bed and far beyond my apartment walls.

I pulled a second all nighter catching up with my "life". It's 624AM and i have not slept. nor am i tired. i've taken the medicine and learning to get used to it. Plus I have a ton of things to do. I guess I don't have to try so incredibly hard to wake up if I simply stay up, right? Yeah, maybe.


mn

THE DAWNING OF "1331" (Mon. May 23 - Thurs. May 26, 2011)

by MizzMinn Chi on Thursday, May 26, 2011 at 3:49am

MON-TUE: bipolar. Haven't had quite an episode like that before. I should add all the details of that later, it might distract me tonight...

WED: Late last night, actually after midnight.. My texts kept bouncing back so I resent them. She's been sick again. She was able to talk though of course to me, to me she's not sick. It was already set aside for us, the time for us to talk, we were already on the same wavelength, we were thinking the same, at the same time. It does happen, but so rarely and when it does, it's inescapable.

She helped me refocus, verbally confirm what was already known inside. I had it all along. The revelation came upon me gently, organically and almost rationally. Like math. More like Trigonometry than Advanced Algebra, for instance. This is and will be an offshoot of the Applied Mathematics course I've been taking, preparing and studying for - a simple shift in focus to salvage my sanity. I am coming upon this conclusion and declaration to commit myself as I write this now at 3:31AM (a couple hours after I got off the phone). Aside from that, nothing else has changed with all that has led up to the huge decisions made yesterday.

Let’s go over the routine again, sweetie. Rest then protest give it your best! Remember you have a spare tire so go, take the scenic route, then you'll be able to see & take a bunch o' photos of everything YOU want to see...! And feel, and BE! THAT's where you wanna go. That's where you ARE headed. Therefore, sister maven soul raven... From now on, you're dividing your attn, energy, heart & soul to the CAUSE and secondly, to the Story behind the Cause. The unraveling from your own storyteller's eye. You've seen, heard, documented way too much to let this sand castle crumble and evaporate into the sea . No. The extraneous wastes, minutely valuable, forgettable memories others may litter and leave behind, you will sweep up and keep... Every very unnecessary detail, all of the overdone decorative facts, the carelessly edited complex footnotes you know you heard but can't always prove, the unabridged quotes that linger in the back of your head, your irrelevant questions shrugged off as common knowledge to everyone else as transparent answers...

Ok, all these must be put into its own "time capsule" so remember. Save it. Lock it. Reload it. Back it up. Restore it. And take it - The calling. Oh my god. Finally. Where it all began... Go back and press 'rewind'. Tell it as you remember it and as you are living it. Every. Single. Day. You are living a real-life nightmare falsely presented to those groups of curious out of towners staring right atcha (*smile for the camera!*) from the tops of the double-decker tourist buses routinely strolling thru North Rossmore... "Here to our left, is the Ravenswood, once home to Paramount's film stars Mae West, Eva Gardner, ... yadda yadda yadda... Hollywood's ultimate luxurious .... yadda yadda .... of all the glitz, gloss, and glamour you can ever dream of, ladies and gentleman!"

###### SCREAM! #####

Because you just want to tear your eyes out whenever you hear that megaphone repeating the same line to the tourists snapping away... Because they have absolutely NO idea what really goes on behind the "glitz" and "glamour" here...

Take it and run. Run with it. And run at an even speed, at the pace of that woman, the Wild woman. Make it up. For ALL those times you refused to hear it and really listen. They saw something in you, that you denied, tried to shut it out. Though it never left because you lied to yourself in order to forget. God! You used to say...I Was just Not ready. OKAY? So Leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone. I don't want to hear it. Stop!

Can i honestly afford to Deprive my-self again, based upon false illusions of my disconnectedness? "Foolish, foolish little girl -if you do." *NOD* "Yet also foolish... if you end up fooling yourself into thinking that..." Ha, right, because it’s nothing new. It’s been done before.

Right. Just not in the way you see it. It is predetermined. There’s not much else to “choose.” The calling is elsewhere though not far or out of reach. It's just that the time is now. The medium, not yet fully developed hence, Creation is part of the arduous process of inventing one's own Expression of the deeper darker complex ideas, narratives, mixed with all the matte grey areas that exist between truth, fact, rumors, lies, premonitions, psychic visions, karmic reactions, closure, clairvoyance... :) Exciting right?

I think she’ll “get It” at least. If I do, she definitely will. Still amazed that I've found someone like her, who's so like me. Our parallel worlds collide so perfectly now, our surgery & history of a plethora of doctors and therapists, stressful work life, single- too busy for, our compatible passion and compassion to fight injustice, our common interest in jewelry, even men (lol). She's not "bipolar." That's simply a terminology used by doctors. Others don't understand. Even friends "stigmatize". And that's where we connect, stronger now than ever.

I'm excited. And I'm excited to tell her and maybe later, a couple others only when it's more developed. Because it's too much to take in right now. I've been waiting so long. Amidst the chaos I've been subjected to for the past seven months, I was waiting for the Universe to give, heal, replace all that I, amongst a multitude of others, lost in the most deceitful and cold hearted way behind the cinematic scenes of a happy ending to Hollywood movies. Now that I've let it go, as painful as the exorcism was this past Mon, I feel revitalized and totally refocused as to why I'm here, why I stayed, and what exactly my part is - in ALL of THIS..

This crazy decadent filth of a mess I call home. The home of the Ravens.

G'nite

.MN.